rox, thanks for sharing your recent history with us. The loss of your son was clearly devastating to you at a time when life should have just been opening up for him. I lost my youngest son when he was just an infant, but I still carry him in my heart to this day. I don’t know whether it helps, but if I see something beautiful or moving like a sunset or a field that is a blaze of yellow, I talk to my son Ryan quietly in my head and say “look at that Ryan, isn’t it stunning”! He would have been 22 now, so he and I have seen some sights. It may sound slightly mad rox, but it works for me. Best wishes POPS.