Funny Joke Thread

This topic contains 142 replies, has 18 voices, and was last updated by  joss 4 days, 16 hours ago.

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    Topic
  • #43840 Reply

    Trev
    Moderator

    A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, ‘You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.’

    The cat thought for a minute and then said, ‘All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.’

    God said, ‘Say no more.’ Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

    A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that he made to the cat.

    The mice said, ‘Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.’
    God answered, ‘It is done.’ All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.’

    About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, ‘Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?

    The cat replied, ‘Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life.. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!’


    Mota History - Nissan Qashqai Ford Focus Seat Leon ST Mazda CX-5

Viewing 25 replies - 101 through 125 (of 142 total)
  • Author
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  • #71878 Reply

    Trev
    Moderator

    LOL


    Mota History - Nissan Qashqai Ford Focus Seat Leon ST Mazda CX-5

    #74529 Reply

    Mike 700
    Participant

    The Village Fair

    Mrs 700 and I went to the Local Village Fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,…

    ‘ THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR ‘

    Mrs 700 playfully nudged me in the ribs ……Smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week.’

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    We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,…

    ”THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’

    Mrs 700 gave me a healthy jab and said, “WOW~~~That’s almost three times a week! …………You could learn a lot from him.”

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    We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,…

    “THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR”

    Now Mrs 700 was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,…

    “That’s once a day … you could ‘REALLY’ learn something from this one.”

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    I looked at her and said,…

    “Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.”

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    My condition has been upgraded from critical

    to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery

    #74531 Reply

    Mike 700
    Participant

    One day a Barnsley man decided to retire…

    He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

    He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

    After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

    In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

    She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank..”

    “Amazing,” he notes… “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”

    “Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”

    “But, where did you get the tools?”

    “Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron, I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”

    The guy is stunned.

    “Let’s row over to my place,” she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

    As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and treehouse.

    While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.”

    “Would you like a drink?”

    “No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed.. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice”

    “It’s not coconut juice” winks the woman, “I have a still, how would you like a Tropical Spritz?”

    Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk..

    After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.”

    No longer questioning anything, the Barnsley lad goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

    “This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What’s next?” When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

    “Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There’s something I’m certain you feel like right now, something you’ve been longing for, right?” She stares into his eyes.

    He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean …” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

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    “You’ve made a chip pan?”

    #74533 Reply

    Mike 700
    Participant

    Four Catholic Men And A Catholic Woman

    Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee when one of the Catholic men tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.

    “The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

    The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”

    The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.

    “Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well….?

    “She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24″ waist and 34″ hips.

    When she walks into a room, people say, “ My God.”

     

    #74629 Reply

    Trev
    Moderator

    Both brilliant mike lol


    Mota History - Nissan Qashqai Ford Focus Seat Leon ST Mazda CX-5

    #74665 Reply

    Menorca Mike
    Participant

    Lol very good

    BBC Breakfast expert, VW Golf driver.

    #74674 Reply

    Mike 700
    Participant

    Before I decided on the Tiguan, I was test driving an auto Mokka x 1.6d one morning & trying out the radio , when I saw this AA van parked up.

    The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

    I said to the Vauxhall Salesman –  ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’..

    #74676 Reply

    Winston
    Participant

    Some right funny ones there guys lol

    I miss hearing jokes ,proper jokes like my dad would tell me, or we would tell each other in the playground

    Some people were always better joke tellers than others  but you would just wait patiently on the full story, the more elaborate the better

    Now your pal would pull out his phone the minute you said, Oh what till you hear this

    Changed days eh

    But I had a good laugh at those Jokes thanks ???

    When life hands you melons...,
    Make melonade!

    #74678 Reply

    Mike 700
    Participant

     

     

    Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office:
    “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
    **************************
    In a Podiatrist’s office:
    “Time wounds all heels.”
    **************************
    On a Septic Tank Truck:
    Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
    **************************
    At an Opticians Office:
    “If you don’t see what you’re looking for,
    you’ve come to the right place.”
    **************************
    On a Plumber’s truck:
    “We repair what your husband fixed.”
    **************************
    On another Plumber’s truck:
    “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
    **************************
    At a Tyre Shop in Millwall :
    “Invite us to your next blowout.
    **************************
    On an Electrician’s truck:
    “Let us remove your shorts.”
    **************************
    In a Non-smoking Area:
    “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
    **************************
    On a Maternity Room door:
    “Push. Push. Push.”
    **************************
    At a Car Dealership:
    “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
    **************************
    Outside Kwikfit :
    “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
    **************************
    In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
    “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
    **************************
    At the Electric Company
    “We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
    However, if you don’t, you will be.”
    **************************..
    In a Restaurant window:
    “Don’t stand there and be hungry;
    come on in and get fed up.”
    **************************
    In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
    “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
    **************************
    At a Propane Filling Station:
    “Thank heaven for little grills.”
    **************************
    And don’t forget the sign at a
    CARDIFF RADIATOR SHOP:
    “Best place in town to take a leak.”
    **************************
    Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
    “Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

    I may have posted these before?

    Apologies if I have!

    Regards,

     

    Mike.

    #110357 Reply

    Brydo
    Participant

    I’m getting a bit older now and the bones and muscles are a bit sore, so i booked into one of these fancy massage palours and this beautiful big blonde girl covered me with baby oil and gave me the most fantastic massage I’ve ever had. Then she bent over and wispered in my ear “do you want super sex”…………………………. i thought about and said “i think I’ll have the soup please” lol.

    The only person who got all his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
    Anything i post over three lines long please assume it is an article lol.

    #110358 Reply

    Mike

    Was nice to meet you in there Brydo lovely ladies 😀😀😀

    #110431 Reply

    ChrisK
    Participant

    At a sex seminar a doctor was doing a survey on how often people have sex and asked “put your hand up all of you who have sex every day” and few persons with very happy faces put their hand up.

    Next question was “put your hand up if you have sex at least once a week” and few persons with smiles on their faces put their hands up.

    Next question “put your hand up if you have sex at least once a month” and few persons with gloomy looking faces put their hand.

    Next question “put your hand up if you only have sex once a year” and this guy at the back of the hall put his hand up and he was laughing and very jolly and wearing a massive grin and the doctor said he was expecting him to be very sad and down in the mouth and when asked why he was so happy he said “any other day I would be sad but tonight the night”.

    #110476 Reply

    wmcforum
    Which Mobility Car

    Failed phone autocorrects (apparently)

    #110477 Reply

    wmcforum
    Which Mobility Car

    More

     

    #110564 Reply

    joss
    Participant

    Gazing out of the window of my lock down cell, I noticed a spider slide down on a gossamer thread he had just spun.

    We looked at each other and nodded to acknowledge each other. I struck up a conversation with this rather pleasant spider.

    We chatted a while and before I was called away and he had to get back to work, I asked what he did for a living. Web design he told me…

    Joss
    Current car BMW X2 2.0 Sport sDrive Auto 2019
    Last car Ford Focus Titanium 1.5 TDCI
    Builder of Gaming PC's
    "It is a great ability to be able to conceal one's ability."

    #110865 Reply

    Brydo

    #110968 Reply

    Wigwam
    Participant

    #110973 Reply

    wmcforum
    Which Mobility Car

    Coronavirus Baptism

    #110974 Reply

    wmcforum
    Which Mobility Car

    #110995 Reply

    joss
    Participant

    It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few further local businesses around SESKU.

    The bra manufacturer has gone bust, the specialist in submersibles has gone under, the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers, the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded, the Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn’t ketchup with orders, the tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road, the bread company has run out of dough, the clock manufacturer has had to wind down and gone cuckoo, the Chinese has been taken away, the shoe shop has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot and finally the laundrette has been taken to the cleaners!

    Joss
    Current car BMW X2 2.0 Sport sDrive Auto 2019
    Last car Ford Focus Titanium 1.5 TDCI
    Builder of Gaming PC's
    "It is a great ability to be able to conceal one's ability."

    #111012 Reply

    JS
    Moderator

    I got into bed last night. To be greeted with “your Drunk Again”

    “what makes you say that” i grumble

    “because you Live Next Door” was the reply.

    #111406 Reply

    wmcforum
    Which Mobility Car

    Made me laugh:

    #111434 Reply

    Phaedra
    Participant

    An Englishman, an Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar, those were the days, weren’t they ?

    There's room for all God's creatures, right next to the mash and gravy 🙂

    #111842 Reply

    Brydo

    #111843 Reply

    Phaedra
    Participant

    There's room for all God's creatures, right next to the mash and gravy 🙂

Viewing 25 replies - 101 through 125 (of 142 total)
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