Funny Joke Thread

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  • #43840 Reply

    A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, ‘You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.’

    The cat thought for a minute and then said, ‘All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.’

    God said, ‘Say no more.’ Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

    A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that he made to the cat.

    The mice said, ‘Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.’
    God answered, ‘It is done.’ All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.’

    About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, ‘Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?

    The cat replied, ‘Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life.. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!’

    Mota History - Nissan Qashqai Ford Focus Seat Leon ST Mazda CX-5

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  • #43856 Reply

    Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt sitting in the pub having a drink. Angelina says I wonder if I am the most beautiful woman in the world, Brad says I wonder if I am the most handsome man in the world and Shrek says I wonder if I am the strongest person in the world. Brad suggests they all go one at a time the next day and ask the magic mirror then meet up again at the pub and see how they got on.

    The next day Angelina walks into the pub and Shrek is already there. How did you get on she asks, Shrek beaming from ear to ear says the magic mirror confirmed he was the strongest person in the world and asks how she got on. Angelina said the mirror confirmed she was the most beautiful woman in the world. Just then Brad walked walked in with a face like thunder, the two in unison enquired how he had got and Brad replied “Who the f**k is BigB”.

    #43901 Reply

    lmfao….. brilliant!

    Mota History - Nissan Qashqai Ford Focus Seat Leon ST Mazda CX-5

    #43992 Reply

    Rookie cop pulls over an old dear who was doing 120mph in her car, he asks her to sit in the back of his car so he can get some details. Can I see your driving licence? She says it’s either in the glovebox or boot, the cop then offers to go and get it. The old dear says “Sonny, be careful if you go into the glovebox there’s ten grand cash in there and a fully loaded automatic pistol and if you go into the boot there’s a man bound and gagged and five kilos of heroin. Upon hearing this the rookie panics and radios for an armed response unit, a senior officer and forensics, who all rapidly appear on the scene. The senior officer gently opens the glove box and lo and behold it’s empty, he then goes to the boot and again it’s empty. The senior officer then asks the old dear about the pistol, the money, the drugs and the bound man. The old dear smiles sweetly at the officer and says “I didn’t say anything about guns, drugs, money or a bound man. I fear your colleague has a very fertile imagination, next he will be telling you I was speeding!”.

    #44090 Reply

    One liners and the people who told them.

    1) Tim Vine – “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

    2) David Gibson – “I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.”

    3) Emo Philips – “I picked up a hitchhiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.”

    4) Jack Whitehall – “I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”

    5) Gary Delaney – “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”

    6) John Bishop – “Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”

    7) Bo Burnham – “What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”

    8) Gary Delaney – “Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”

    9) Robert White – “For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty.”

    10) Gareth Richards – “Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can’t be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…”

    Dont actually get the last one but im sure someone will explain it.

    #44435 Reply

    I swear that Jamie Carragher just drove past me in his car……

    If it wasn’t him, it was his spitting image!

    #44438 Reply

    How do you spot a happy motorcyclist?

    By the flies on his teeth!

    #44615 Reply

    #44675 Reply

    Their was a man called Carl who fixed washing machines but business was slow so he was breaking into people’s homes and putting bricks into people’s machines to.break them. The police caught him and made the following statement. We are all so happy that we got him as washing machines live longer with Carl gone.


    #44676 Reply

    A giant mirror appeared in swansea city center today. Police say they are looking into it.

    #44706 Reply

    Just realised I’m dyslexic when I turned up at a toga party dressed as a goat!

    #44730 Reply

    A vicar in a rural parish tucked away in the countryside suddenly found that his bicycle had

    disappeared. His enquiries to the village bobby proved fruitless as to who may have taken it

    and he was at a loss as to what to do to to be able to recover it.

    Then he had a great idea, he decided to make the text of his sermon on the following Sunday

    all about the 10 commandments. When I get to ‘thou shalt not steal’ he reasoned, I can glower

    down from the pulpit and will be able to see who is looking guilty among the congregation.

    So the time for the Sunday sermon came and after mounting the pulpit began his 10

    commandments sermon.

    When he reached the commandment stating ‘ thou shalt not commit adultery ‘, he suddenly

    remembered where he had left it!

    #44827 Reply

    Husband comes home from work after speaking to the next door neighbour  and says to the wife, “Trev next door told me the milk man has had an affair with every woman in this street except one”……………………the wife said “i bet its that snotty cow in 42” lol.

    #44836 Reply


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    #44944 Reply

    I only know rude jokes can I put them on here ?

    #44960 Reply

    Mike depends how rude I would think, but as a rule of thumb don’t post anything you couldn’t tell your Gran lol

    #44969 Reply

    It’s just got one rude word but I don’t want to be banned no I couldn’t tell the gran or vicar

    #44979 Reply

    This is why we need pm’s as now i’m missing out on Mike’s jokes…. oh the injustice of it all….. perhaps we can have an over 18’s ‘no-holds barred’ thread? lol

    #44988 Reply

    I was only joking guys I have no problem with risqué jokes

    #44994 Reply

    could just saying and pops say are naughty words allowed ? It’s a classic we heard at Christmas at Benidorm

    #45005 Reply

    Had rub-in the beni Mike lol Do you go there just at xmas or in the summer as well?

    #45011 Reply

    No Mike we are a open Forum and although this is a more relaxed Forum the Open Arms is still abled to be read by anyone, and we All have a responsibility with caution in mind as to how we are perceived by others.

    #45019 Reply

    That’s ok I will behave

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