comedians/ jokes

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  • #142914 Reply
    ajn

    Any comedians or jokes here at all🤪

Viewing 25 replies - 26 through 50 (of 50 total)
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  • #143259 Reply
    ajn

    😂🤣😂

    #143260 Reply
    ajn

    It’s just to ease the times we have all gone through lately, I’m hopeless at jokes, it’s open to anyone have a go, we even had a fantastic entry of the fridge jokes…

    Come on lighten up here it’s only a bit of fun..

    let’s have them, you might enjoy it👍

    #143323 Reply
    ajn

    I made some fish tacos…..🌮

    However they just ignored them and swam away.

    #143369 Reply
    Tharg
    Participant

    Bloke goes into a bar, way out in the bush in Australia. He has with him, on a lead, a bloody great crocodile. “Can’t bring that in here, mate” says the barman. “Too damn dangerous.”

    “Nah, mate.” says the croc chap. “He’s so well trained, just like a cute obedient puppy, watch…” So he makes the croc do the sit and beg and roll over thing. Barman still unimpressed, he says. “Still reckon he’s too deadly, mate. Look at those teeth, he’s have yer face off in seconds.”

    “All right then” says the croc man, “watch this.” At which, the man pulls out his penis, slips it into the croc’s mouth. “See,” he says. “Perfectly safe but if you still doubt it…” He picks up a great bit of wood from the corner of the bar and smacks the croc violently over the head. Croc completely ignores this, chap’s pens unharmed. This impresses the barman who tells the bloke he can come in with his pet.

    Croc bloke well pleased, turns to customers in bar. “See,” he says. “Perfectly safe. Anyone else want a go?”
    “Yeah” says a little old lady sat at the bar. “But just don’t hit me so bloody hard with that bit of wood.”

    #143388 Reply
    ajn

    🥴🤣

    #143390 Reply
    joss
    Moderator

    Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

    He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them. 🌻

    Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast. 🌻

    Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.” 🌻

    Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?” 🌻

    Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.🌻

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 5 days ago by joss. Reason: added more jokes

    Joss
    ***🌻🌻🌻 ***
    Current car BMW X2 2.0i Sport sDrive Auto 2019 with Sport pack
    Last car Ford Focus Titanium 1.5 TDCI
    Builder of Gaming PC's

    #143432 Reply
    ajn

    Always room for a bit of humour Joss👍

    #143445 Reply
    joss
    Moderator

    IRISH PUDDLE.
    The rain was pouring down, and there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
    A passer-by stopped and asked, “What are you doing?”
    “Fishing”, replied the old man.
    Feeling sorry him, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.”
    In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking,
    “So how many have you caught today?”
    “You’re the eighth” said the old man.

    Joss
    ***🌻🌻🌻 ***
    Current car BMW X2 2.0i Sport sDrive Auto 2019 with Sport pack
    Last car Ford Focus Titanium 1.5 TDCI
    Builder of Gaming PC's

    #143447 Reply
    ajn

    🤣 I must admit Joss that’s a good one ..

    #143448 Reply
    ajn

    #143489 Reply
    joss
    Moderator

    The ol’ pirate ☠ were explainin’ to the cabin boy how he came to wear an eye patch…. “I looked up and sawr somethin wavin in the yarrd arm and as I were a gull flew over and dropped something in me eye.” “And you lost your eye for that?” questioned the boy. “Aye. It were my first day with the hook, don’cha know!” ☠

    Joss
    ***🌻🌻🌻 ***
    Current car BMW X2 2.0i Sport sDrive Auto 2019 with Sport pack
    Last car Ford Focus Titanium 1.5 TDCI
    Builder of Gaming PC's

    #143492 Reply
    ajn

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>😉🤣</p>

    #143493 Reply
    ajn

    Try again don’t know what happened above 😉😂,🌻

    #143505 Reply
    Tharg
    Participant

    Two rather old fashioned chaps meet one morning in the office. One of them is most distressed. “Whatever is the matter, old boy? asks his friend. “Well, it is awfully embarrassing. I stopped at the tobacconist on the way in – the one where the shop girls is, er, rather well endowed if you know what I mean. I meant to say, ’20 filter tips please’. But, instead, I heard my voice saying, ’20 filter tits, please.”

    Ah, replies the friend, what you’ve done there is called a Freudian Slip. It’s where you mean to say one thing, but your mind makes you say another thing. Normally a new statement suggested to you by what you’re looking at. Happens all the time. Happened to me this morning over breakfast. I was looking at my wife and meant to say ‘please pass the butted, dear’. But I heard myself say, ‘You fearful bitch. You’ve ruined my life!'”

    #143516 Reply
    ajn

    A high school bully sees an old victim at their reunion,

    Bully shouts, it’s the virgin

    Victim replies, Im not a virgin, just ask your sister.

    Bully replies, I dont have a sister, fool

    Victim shouts back as walking away,

    Just wait nine months.

    #143517 Reply
    Tharg
    Participant

    Well done, ajn, Joss. Determined to keep this thread alive – a tiny bit of fun in an otherwise gloomy time. So…

    Two chaps, one of whom is dyslexic, are on a skiing/winter holiday. Standing outside the bar they watch a fellow whizzing down the slope, jinking from side to side. “Now is that a zig-zag or a zag-zig?” asks the dyslexic chap. “Dunno,” says his mate, “let’s ask this bloke over here.” So he turns to a fellow also watching, “Excuse me,” he says “Is that a zig-zag or a zag-zig that chap is doing there?” The fellow looks a bit confused. He says, “Sorry. Can’t help you there. I’a tobogganist.” “Right, ” says the first chap. “I’ll have 20 Silk Cut then.”

    #143520 Reply
    ajn

    Yes agreed nice to take a time off with a bit of humour Tharg, 

    #143521 Reply
    ajn

    Yes agreed nice to take a time off with a bit of humour Tharg, 

    #143526 Reply
    ajn

    Police just knocked on my door and told me that my Bulldog chased a man  on a bike.👀

     

    I replied no way, he don’t even own a bike…

    #143533 Reply
    Tharg
    Participant

    😁

    #143674 Reply
    Tharg
    Participant

    I refuse to let this thread die…

    😊 Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

     

    😊 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

    The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “The driver just insulted me!”

    The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

    #143679 Reply
    ajn

    #143734 Reply
    ajn

    #143741 Reply
    joss
    Moderator

    ‘A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here” ‘

    ‘A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything” ‘

    ‘I rang up British Telecom, I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said “Not you again”.’

    ‘When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: “I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”. ‘

    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

    ‘A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

    Joss
    ***🌻🌻🌻 ***
    Current car BMW X2 2.0i Sport sDrive Auto 2019 with Sport pack
    Last car Ford Focus Titanium 1.5 TDCI
    Builder of Gaming PC's

    #143938 Reply
    ajn

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