comedians/ jokes

  • Creator
    Topic
  • #142914 Reply
    ajn

    Any comedians or jokes here at all🤪

Viewing 25 replies - 1 through 25 (of 50 total)
  • Author
    Replies
  • #142916 Reply
    joss
    Moderator

    But of course ajn. Plenty jokers on these forums.

    Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10p.” They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

    Graeme, the old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, ‘Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, gentlemen?’ There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis-shaken, not stirred-and says, ‘That’ll be 10p each, please.’ The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, ‘That’s 40p, please.’ They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a £1 yet.

    Finally one of them says, ‘How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?’ ‘I’m a retired tailor,’ the bartender says, ‘and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer-it’s all the same.’ ‘Wow! That’s some story!’ one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can’t help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there.

    Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, ‘What’s with them?’ The bartender says, ‘They’re retired people from Yorkshire. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.’

    Joss
    ***🌻🌻🌻 ***
    Current car BMW X2 2.0i Sport sDrive Auto 2019 with Sport pack
    Last car Ford Focus Titanium 1.5 TDCI
    Builder of Gaming PC's

    #142920 Reply
    ajn

    Great stuff Joss.

    #142922 Reply
    ajn

    FreeeeeeeeedomI’m quite hopeless with jokes tbh, however

    #142923 Reply
    ajn

    Not for long though

    #142924 Reply
    ajn

    Obviously the dog got a sense of humour  brand new Dr Martins 🥴

    #142926 Reply
    joss
    Moderator

    Loving the Dog ajn. Is is a pup?

    Joss
    ***🌻🌻🌻 ***
    Current car BMW X2 2.0i Sport sDrive Auto 2019 with Sport pack
    Last car Ford Focus Titanium 1.5 TDCI
    Builder of Gaming PC's

    #142927 Reply
    ajn

    That pic was a while ago now Joss, when thing were normal’ish,think he was about 8 months, not so full of the joys of spring to date

    #142928 Reply
    ajn

    I got sent this pic from my Wife she  found, these dogs got a habit of being hilariously boring, sleep is a must.

    #142931 Reply
    ajn

    #142937 Reply
    Georgie

    A dog after my own heart, ajn.  The short-lived ‘freedom’ pics made me laugh. 🙂

    What’s brown and sticky?

    A stick.

     

    What’s white and can’t climb stairs?

    A fridge.

     

    What’s white, red and yellow and can’t climb stairs?

    Rupert the fridge.

    #142942 Reply
    ajn

    Jokes a bit dodge Georgie, but good try, glad yo enjoyed the pics, the idea was, Wife up the beach, me call the star of the show for a running action pic, great plan..

    However the stardom got to his head straight passsed me into the sea 😳.

    his littles legs no help what so ever

    #143012 Reply
    Tharg
    Participant

    Great snaps, ajn. And a great dog. Now, this isn’t a joke but a true story concerning one of the wittiest chaps I have ever known – a friend, name of Jim. Always there with a witty, sometimes shocking, answer to anything. Jim is/was a rep for a sales company and some 25 years ago was driving through Orpington in his red Cavalier en route to client when he’ pulled over by cops with blues and twos etc. Two officers approach car ask him his name, where he’s going etc. They check everything then apologise politely and explain that a car identical to his has just been used in a robbery in Orpington so they had to check him out. He drives off. Five minutes later, he’s pulled over again, blues and twos etc. Polite officers make same enquiry. After check he drives off…

    Now you’ll guess what’s coming. Blue and twos etc, only this time the lead copper is not a polite person. His opening gambit is, “Right, you. Hands on wheel where I can see ’em. Don’t attempt to drive. Don’t talk. Don’t do anything unless I tell you.”

    Jim’s patience had expired. “Can I THINK, officer?” Rude copper, “Yeah. Think all you want.” Jim: “Well I think you’re a c**t!” Now this could have gone very badly for Jim had not rude copper’s mate, alongside him, collapsed into helpless laughter, unable to speak.

    We have two coppers in the family, they too dissolved into speech defying laughter on hearing the tale.

    #143018 Reply
    Newbie1892

    Hi,

    a little boy was playing upstairs with his train set, and says all the f****rs getting off hurry up and f**k off and all the lazy bast**ds getting on hurry up and get on, mother hears it all and takes the train from him and says you can’t have this back until you stop, a little while later boy apologises and gets his train back, goes running upstairs and pulls the train into the station and proceeded to say “sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but blame the fat c**t in the kitchen”.

    #143019 Reply
    ajn

    Yes love them both, love the am I allowed to think Tharg, great stuff..

    #143073 Reply
    Tharg
    Participant

    A Dave Allen classic:

    Fellow dies and wafts up to heaven. Met at the gates by Peter. “Welcome,” says the saintly gatekeeper, “I suppose you’d like a quick look around. So come along then…” Peter takes the newbie all though the beautiful gardens and through the delightful different areas of the hereafter. “Here are the Muslims, ” he says. “All welcome here, y’know. The Zoroastrians are over there, and the Buddhists alongside..” The newcomer listened politely but noticed they were passing a huge, solidly built brick wall about 50 ft high. “Er, excuse me, Peter”, he says. “But this wall, what’s that all about. Why have a wall?”

    “Ah,” Peter replies, “We have to keep the Catholics behind there, away from all the others. They think they’re the only ones here!”

    #143219 Reply
    Tharg
    Participant

    It would appear, some years ago, that the Government of Israel was very worried about the country’s economic performance. Basically, they were going broke. So a special meeting of the Knesset was called and suggestions put forward for solving the problem. Many solutions arose but late in the day one member stood and said. “Simple. We declare war on the United States.”

    The parliament was shocked. “Don’t be ridiculous, ” said a chief spokesman. “The USA is the strongest, most powerful nation on the planet.  They would beat us hands-down!”

    “Exactly,” said the proposer of solution. “Just look and Germany and Japan. Went to war with the US. Lost badly. Aided by USA in their recovery with billions of dollars and now they’re the world’s leading economic powers.”

    The parliament members were impressed and started to work out the details. However, as the debate went on, one unassuming chap from the back called for attention.

    “Excuse me,” he said. “What if we should WIN?

    #143228 Reply
    ajn

    Well done Tharg

    #143232 Reply
    ajn

    Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool…

    I gave him a glass of water…

    #143234 Reply
    joss
    Moderator

    hahahahah you tight git ajn. Gie the man a bucket O water and he can soak his feet.

    Joss
    ***🌻🌻🌻 ***
    Current car BMW X2 2.0i Sport sDrive Auto 2019 with Sport pack
    Last car Ford Focus Titanium 1.5 TDCI
    Builder of Gaming PC's

    #143235 Reply
    ajn

    Go on Joss, give us a joke..

    #143238 Reply
    ajn

    #143242 Reply
    Tharg
    Participant

    Nice one, ajn. Let me do the same. This is my favourite Gary Larson cartoon…

     

    #143247 Reply
    ajn

    Thought you would appreciate that Tharg👍

    #143250 Reply
    ajn

    #143257 Reply
    Tharg
    Participant

    Splundig, ajn. I see you have sussed my secret identity. Really trying to keep this thread alive. Have a proper joke or two which I’ll post when time allows. Problem is, I’ve discovered, that jokes are meant to be performed live. Writing down the gags takes a moment or two if you do not want them to fall flat. Some simple stuff, like one-liners are ok, for example…

    Divorced man’s lament: “I’m not going to bother getting married again. I’ll just buy a house and give it to some woman I don’t like.”

Viewing 25 replies - 1 through 25 (of 50 total)
Reply To: comedians/ jokes
Your information: